Bird nesting after divorce refers to an arrangement where the children remain in the family home full-time, while the divorced parents take turns living there for a designated amount of time. This allows the children to keep their bedrooms, toys, pets, and other familiar comforts, while the parents rotate through the house.
What are the benefits of bird nesting?
There are several potential benefits of bird nesting for children after their parents’ divorce:
- Minimizes disruption and provides stability for kids – Children don’t have to constantly pack bags and shuffle between two homes. Their routine, schools, friends etc stay the same.
- Reduces stress and upheaval for kids – Kids don’t have to adapt to two new, unfamiliar living spaces. The family home remains their one constant.
- Kids keep their stuff in one place – No constantly packing favourite toys, clothes, books etc. Everything remains in their own space.
- Siblings stay together – Bird nesting keeps siblings living in the same home, instead of splitting them across two households.
- Kids see both parents – Parents come to the children, rather than vice versa. Both maintain close involvement.
- Lower conflict – Removes custody transfers, where tensions can flare up. Parents rarely see each other.
- Consistent parenting – Parents can maintain consistent rules, discipline and parenting approaches.
Overall, bird nesting provides stability and minimizes disruption during a tumultuous time. The children remain in their home environment, while still having regular contact with both parents.
What are the drawbacks of bird nesting?
However, there can also be some potential downsides to the bird nesting arrangement:
- Disruptive for parents – Constantly packing bags and moving in/out of their former home can be unsettling.
- Logistically difficult – Arrangement requires parents to live close by and have flexible housing options.
- Unclear boundaries – Can be confusing for kids to have parents alternate living in the home.
- May prolong grief – Being in the family home makes it harder for kids to adjust to new reality.
- Ongoing connection to ex – Can be uncomfortable remaining tied to former spouse through shared home.
- Divide loyalties – Kids may feel torn or disloyal spending time at the home with each parent.
- Custody conflicts – Disputes can still arise over schedules, residence time, rules etc.
While minimizing disruption for kids, bird nesting requires significant coordination and cooperation between ex-spouses. It may also delay parents from achieving closure post-divorce.
What are the requirements for successful bird nesting?
For bird nesting to work effectively, the following requirements are usually necessary:
- Close proximity – Parents need to live very close by, usually within 15-20 minutes of the family home.
- Suitable separate housing – Each parent must have suitable housing for when not at the family home. This is often an apartment or small rental home.
- Cooperative co-parenting – Low conflict and a high degree of cooperation is essential between ex-spouses.
- Detailed schedule – A formal legal schedule is required detailing when each parent will have access to the home.
- Ground rules – Clear boundaries need to be in place around use of common space, visitors etc during nesting time.
- Assessment of kids – Consideration of each child’s needs and temperament – will they adjust well?
- Financial means – Parents must be able to afford two living spaces plus maintain the family home.
When parents live far apart, have high conflict or limited resources, bird nesting is rarely feasible. Willingness to communicate, compromise and be flexible is vital.
How does bird nesting work on a practical level?
If parents agree to try bird nesting, they need to work out the practical details. This includes:
- Creating a legal custody agreement detailing the bird nesting schedule. For example, alternating weeks, 2-2-3 days or 2-5-5-2 days.
- Deciding who will move in/out and when (e.g. Sunday afternoon changeover).
- Determining how belongings will be split – some left at family home vs items taken to each parent’s residence.
- Setting rules about shared spaces, visitors, pets etc during nesting stints.
- Making copies of house keys for each parent.
- Creating a communication plan to coordinate schedules and issues.
- Arranging how household expenses and maintenance will be shared.
- Developing a plan to transition away from bird nesting later if required – e.g. selling the family home.
With good planning and cooperation, bird nesting transitions can be straightforward. But conflict over logistics and boundaries will make the arrangement fail.
How long do parents typically bird nest for?
There is no set timeframe for how long parents bird nest for. The duration depends on factors such as:
- Ages of the children – Younger kids may need more stability for longer.
- How well the arrangement is working – Smoothly vs problematic.
- If conflict arises over nesting schedules.
- When parents want to move on with new relationships.
- Financial affordability of maintaining two homes.
- Emotional readiness of parents and kids to transition.
Some parents nest for a few months around the initial separation. Others continue nesting for years until the children are older. Ideally, parents regularly check-in to reevaluate if bird nesting still meets the family’s needs.
What are the alternatives to bird nesting?
For families where bird nesting is impractical, there are a few alternative arrangements that share some similarities:
- Rotating homes – Kids spend set blocks of time living in each parent’s new home, rather than parents rotating.
- Virtual bird nesting – Parents rotate through shared rental apartment near each other, instead of using the family home.
- Custody with one home base – Kids stay put in family home or with one parent most of the time. Other parent visits.
- Co-living – Kids stay in family home full-time. Both parents live there part-time in separate wings/floors.
- Flexible arrangements – Mix of kids moving between parents’ homes and parents visiting kids at family home.
Some of these options allow kids to maintain consistent housing without needing two fully equipped nurseries. But the right solution depends on what works best for each individual family.
Can bird nesting work if parents don’t get along?
Bird nesting is very difficult to implement successfully if parents have an acrimonious relationship. Reasons why high conflict makes it challenging include:
- Frequent arguments over scheduling, home access, rules etc
- Undermining each other with kids during nesting stints
- Disagreements around maintenance, cleanliness, decor etc
- One parent refusing to leave on schedule
- Using nesting time to monitor/snoop on the other parent
- Repeated court hearings to enforce the agreement
- Creating a tense environment for kids
High conflict couples who attempt bird nesting often find the arrangement quickly breaks down. Cooperative parallel parenting is usually more sustainable. That said, some couples manage to set aside differences for the sake of their children.
Do courts order bird nesting arrangements?
Courts have the authority to order divorced parents to follow a bird nesting schedule, but rarely do so. Reasons why courts avoid imposing bird nesting include:
- Judges prefer parents agree to bird nesting voluntarily
- It requires significant cooperation unlikely in litigated cases
- Ongoing court oversight would often be needed to enforce
- Concerns over entanglement between hostile ex-spouses
- Questions over parents’ right to control their own housing
- Lack of space for parents to establish new lives post-divorce
Judges typically view joint decision-making between parents as crucial for bird nesting success. A court-imposed schedule could cause ongoing resentment and noncompliance.
Do parents need lawyers to create a bird nesting plan?
Hiring divorce lawyers is advisable but not essential for parents who agree to bird nest. Reasons legal help can assist include:
- Ensuring the agreement complies with state laws
- Drafting a detailed schedule covering all bases
- Advising on tax, property and financing issues
- Creating an enforceable legal document
- Encouraging discussion of contingency plans
- Mediating conflicts if they arise later
- Representing parents’ interests fairly
With substantial cooperation already, some couples successfully devise bird nesting plans themselves. But legal advice can give parents more confidence the agreement will hold up.
How can parents transition out of bird nesting smoothly?
To help kids transition positively when bird nesting ends, parents can:
- Give plenty of notice, explain reasons fully
- Involve kids in redecorating new rooms
- Arrange handover events between homes
- Recreate favorite spaces/routines in each home
- Offer reassurance through changes
- Provide items that travel between homes
- Use technology to stay closely connected
- Acknowledge feelings of loss openly
- Be patient as everyone adjusts
With sensitivity, maintaining cherished rituals and involving kids in preparing their new spaces, parents can ease this significant transition.
Conclusion
Bird nesting allows children of divorce great stability but requires extensive coordination between parents. When cooperation falters or kids reach certain milestones, most families will eventually transition into a more traditional two-home arrangement. While demanding for parents, bird nesting can minimize disruption during the crucial early adjustment phase for kids. With careful planning and commitment, parents increase the chance of this temporary measure succeeding.